When you relapse

12:05:00 PM

I cant wait to go back to taking pictures of myself near the toilet (:

When you relapse nothing matters, I should be having an interview now, 45 minutes into it with one of the radio stations, I am still in my PJs, the chemist is closed so I cannot pop some pills to be ok-ish to handle one or two things, I had a major meeting on Friday that I never knew existed since I spent half the day in bed and the other half spending money I cannot account for and I have no receipts, something I always insist on.

When you relapse nothing matters, you can eat or not eat and it does not matter, you can eat too much overly too much and that’s what I had been doing for the last two weeks and I thought it was because I was working hard, apparently my body was self stalking, it should have sent memos then for the last three days, I have been having my dinner for breakfast, my lunch at four after a long nap then sleeping at six till five, get a glass of water then till ten.

When you relapse nothing matters, ok maybe something does, you worry because stuff is suppose to matter, that you should care about something, I mean drug addicts care about their next fix, mothers about their children, sex workers about their next client, conmen about their next ‘client’. Someone in relapse cares too, they care about the fact that they do not care about anything so you withdraw, ok I withdraw, I switch off my normal line, I deactivate FB and for the third time I have deleted my twitter account, yes I should have learnt from the past when I had @sitawa then @sweetawa now @sitawaf that they don’t give you back your old handles but hey nothing matters here and it matters that it doesn’t matter but I am not sure what should matter.

When you relapse nothing matters, but because some ‘normal’ part of you insists something should, for a minute you want to be a bird, go on some roof top and spread your wings and fly as you sing along to R.Kelly ‘I believe I can fly, I believe I can touch the sky, I think about it every night and day, spread my wings and fly away,’ for a moment you wonder how a block placed on four wheels equipped with an engine, drenched in diesel can move for miles and miles and two thoughts come to mind, drink diesel and you will move for miles, you wont have time to worry that something should matter nd it is not matter-ing(relapse English) or you wonder why it can’t carry you with it from the outside if you stood in the middle of the road, thought they called it inertia in high school physics, for a second you want to dig a knife into your wrist, natural tattoos or you move it a note higher and are so tempted to chop your head off and see how far you can run like the chicken in shaggz when they have chopped the head and are waiting for the second round of hot water, too bad you won’t be there to record the time and speed should you fall and actually die, making the experiment unless.

When you relapse, you know the dos and don’ts, try so hard to avoid the don’ts and do the dos but like that verse in the Bible, you do that which you wish not to and do not do that you should. As I quote the Bible I should be in church but I have a truckload of why me, why now, why take me so high only … but yet again I know there is somewhere they say He will not do something He will not see you through.

I am not sure what this afternoon holds but I know I am not going to fall, I know despite this state of confusion, denial, trial and other adjectives my relapse dictionary doesn’t bear I will host a wonderful lady at Books and Blogs on Wed 27th and people will come and engage, that on Aug 4th I will have an uber Runway254 all catered for by partners and sponsors I will meet in my relapse limbo as we form an I believe we can fly remix complete with autotune, Isikuti and all that Afroneosoul stuff.
When you relapse nothing matters, because nothing should except being at peace with self whatever that means.

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