MEN & MENtals

6:37:00 PM

i am a Candidate in this thing called 'Life'
As you may have noticed, I was doing my usual social media hiatus for the last 10 or so days. This is usually my unwinding point in life where the only people I want to interact with are the voices in my head and this time round, they convinced me the only MEN I need in my life are my MENtal issues; advocacy, illness, stuff along that line.I hate to come off like one of those 'bitter rape survivors' who will never forgive men because of what one man did to me 10 years ago but it has taken me that long to finally realize xoxo isn't a fabric I would look good in plus I get bored with things easily so chances of me doing a hiatus similar to the one I am doing on social media just to be with the voices in my head are high as compared to sticking through poorer or richer, in sickness or in health.
One man I am happy about is 2013, he has been a gentleman to me from winning an award, speaking in Ghana, performing in Tanzania twice, getting into a fellowship and right now negotiating with government for a National project when not getting random hugs from celebs hehe too think we have less than two months together kills me. Either way, he has taught me a lot and I am glad I listened, guess thats why I kept getting goodies. One lesson I carry over, I am my worst when I have a man or an idea of one in my life. Over the years, I always answered that question in interviews and during my talks with yes, I know God has someone and at the right time, he will reveal himself...classic BS is what 2013 has taught me like seriously my seizures increase, I have so many panic attacks, my bipolar relapses are like a tennis ball at a Williams' sisters game, I spend loads of money.

Before you go on a tangent, you see I have only been in two relationships my entire life;with the guy whose best friend raped me and with one of my uni classmates way after I dropped out of uni and he didn't support my healing journey through poetry and blogging. So those weren't good start offs, ironic both these men are my greatest 'fans' now.Years later i got a male bff, maybe too much TV influence and fad at the time or a need for adventure that we both couldn't let go off or the fact that he let me read him my poetry in bars or have seizures without feeling ashamed when I still hadn't grasped what was happening. Whatever the reason, this went on despite getting him into loads of trouble with his string of lovers until early this year when I walked out, only to hook up last week to remind myself why I left I guess, ever been glad a date went to the dogs, I am glad that hook up drowned. Well that wouldn't have happened if i hadn't gone and gotten me a September - October fling that needed getting over. All I can say about that is that, 2013 taught me long distance relationships, length is relative, across the hall, across the ocean are all an imagination of the mind, fed by earlier morning Skype calls, Facebook cover photos and whatsapp profile pictures, sending love and light to all fiancees operating long distances, there is hope.

The council of elders in my head through their wise council concludes the best relationship is a short distance one, within yourself, one between your heart which is open to everyone who fits that list and your mind which reasons it all out and picks that one person to put first,you. Then the fight ensues, like when you are attracted to an engaged man and he to you, when all your meetings start with we need to stop this and end with him dropping you off the next morning. When will power sides with reason to over throw emotions, when character and morals are put to the test. When deleting, covering up, false apologizing is a daily ritual. When they all fail and repentance and moving on become your new inspiration, when all you have is your soul, when you realize that that one person to put first is that's the best relationship, when you have done it all, been with them all and don't act out of pain, malice or jealousy, when you decide the only men you want in your life are the ones in your MENtals.

What is your story?

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