My attempt to explain Bipolar highs and lows to my beloved

12:03:00 PM

One of the many reasons i love you is your artistic sense...and you understand that when words and actions fail, art speaks so I made this piece with you in mind just to explain what is happening. (You know how many times we have had The Talk yet verbal amends didn't match physical amends)

The yellow means warmth and that's the side of me you know, the warm (insert all those nice words you have ever used to describe me), the red ribbon is danger so you know my warmth and the line of danger manifested by a seizure attack or two that you have handled or the far thought of 'madness' that you know I have but are yet to experience.

Then there is the red me, the me I am now (insert all the frustrating words you can use to describe my warm cold nature, all the thoughts of regret of being my friend, I know you have thought about it), the 'mad' me. The yellow ribbon on it is my lease of life, the thread I hold on to so as not to fall into self destruction. Secretly, it is a desire to have a measure of goodness to deserve you in my life.

One can't say they know me and love me just by being with one side of me, the two bottles, like everything else that comes in pairs describe who I am and one can't decide to take one bottle and leave the second. In the past, the very few who have seen the two bottles did not survive, so i spare people the sight of the second bottle and just show them the red ribbon on yellow because red as a whole is too much for them...but once in a while, you meet people who you really want to show your red, if only they can somehow assure you that red or yellow, they love you the same...yet you love them so much you want to shield them from the red...guess it is a red yellow maze whose rules only the players can decide once they agree they want to be in it.

Then there are days like today when I have the worst energy shifts and I wonder what I ever did to get this illness
who I ever wronged to have so much energy at 4am and feel like I am on my death bed by 7am, to let you in then push you away,
I wonder who I need to see to be able to schedule meetings and actually see them come to pass
When I feel like all is lost and all I want to do is self destruct
When red with no yellow ribbon is what is all around me.

The past two weeks have been a real rollercoaster ride for me. I have been waking up energised and as the hours pile up, my energy, will and desire decrease and my moods do a 360, this has resulted to missing meetings, leaving calls answered and beating myself so much. At least I was able to trace the trigger to a day some matatu hit a car I was in at Mbagathi Roundabout, it was very horrific. I saw the matatu coming and as it came and actually hit my side, I saw death. I didn't think much about it but now I know I need to go get my meds checked because of the imbalance and what its doing to me and my work and also work on some things one of which is making amends with all the people I have let down including someone who has been really good to me, a partner in house cleaning.

Yesterday after I somehow disappointed someone else, I got home and I wanted to write him a poetry piece like I have done in the past just as a signal that I really need him but there are times words fail so I decided to do an art piece as an attempt to explain stuff and I decided to share it here because there are so many people who are team Sitawa that I have disappointed and I would like to meet half way. To my housecleaning partner, pray you like this new equipment and what it symbolizes.

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