For Rita; the 19 year old girl who has made me cry way too much

10:58:00 PM

(This post begins and ends with me talking about crying, crying a lot,there is a lot about crying)

Dear Rita,

I have cried a lot since i read what you said about me in your interview with One Girls Women.

Forgive me but I am not sure if I know you, 
Maybe you have sat in crowd I have once spoken to, 
Maybe you follow this blog, 
Maybe you have seen me on TV or heard me speak on radio 
Or maybe you subscribe to my Youtube channel, 
One thing i know for sure, you touched me deeply, I cried a lot.

I cry a lot,

I can't even deny that.

Ok I lied, 
Maaaaaan I think I cry waaaaaay too much.

Don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with crying,
Crying is good for the soul, it falls somewhere under laughter if they don't share the same spot,
Crying cleanses the heart,‎ 
I'd rather cry than hold things in

I cry when I am alone,
I cry when I am in public (Yes I have a 'world record' of crying for more than an hour in a food court at a mall, tears and mucus all over the place - will blog about that when courage and I are tight like that)
I cry when I am happy
I cry when I am sad
I cry when our facilitators share videos or personal journeys, (I have cried so many times in class, I need a new crying style that's a little discrete)
I cry when I watch movies,
I cry when the boy finds the girl,
I cry when the girl finds courage to walk on to live her life,
I cry when a character dies (True story, Nairobi Half Life when Maina Olwenya's character died, I couldn't help myself)
I cry when I listen to songs,
I cry when I write poetry,
I cry when I pray,
I cry when I go through photos,
I cry when I fall in love,
I cry when i fall out of love,
I cry as I grow in love (shout out to the life partner)
I cry when I read emails from people across the world sharing their mental health journeys with me,
I cry when I think about my personal journey, where I have come from; days when I had no roof over my head, 
I cry when I look at the 5 awards in my house,
I cry when I think I have just scratched the surface of my journey (Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate...)

At times I cry loudly,
Other times, tears just roll on their own and I make no attempts to stop them, 

The last time I cried this way, letting tears just roll, was last week after I read a tweet One Girls Women put out about you and what you said...thing that stood out for me was the fact that you are 19 year and you wanted your story to be heard just like mine. I am crying as I type this because of all the emails and tweets and so many other pieces of communication I have ever gotten, this one hit just opened my tear valves and tears just rolled down my cheeks.

When i was 19 and was still dealing with the fact that i had gotten raped the previous year, i would have loved to hear someone's story, 
about their dark nights,
about moments they wanted to take their lives if any, 
about days that despite the darkness, there was a spot the sun found to shine through,
about how they dealt with really wanting to share but couldnt because they were filled with shame and guilt,
about how they live day by day
But i didnt find anyone's story
So i decided to share my story,
It wasnt complete but i still wanted to share so that someone out there knew that there was someone else who knew how it felt,
who fought the same battles everyday,
who knew what it was like to try again and again even though giving up was an easier and 'natural' option
So i wrote
and with every writing i did, i truly, deeply, badly wanted people to get information and support so that they do not waste years of their lives like i did.

I cry because your words, at 19, that you have someone you look up to; me, 
that you have heard a story you can lean on to; my story have met the cries of 19 year old me that really need someone to look up to, that needed to hear a story to lean on to,

I cry because i had no reason to be at 19 but now you, at 19 have a reason to be because of the decision i made to tell my story, as incomplete as it was. (yes i know you have many other sources of inspiration besides me and my story)

I'd like you to know that we are all powerful beyond measure, we are all spheres of influence regardless of what we have or don't have or think we should have, how big or small it feels as compared to others.

I cry because my long way has found me in form of this 19 year old, and feel free to call me whatever but this is not just a coincidence to me, it has a deeper meaning for me and my journey.

And after almost a week of crying, I would really like to meet you Rita,

I would like to know your story, to hear your dreams and ambitions, 
I would like to listen to your challenges and feel your fears,
I would like to set a date in the near and the far future so that years from now when the world has heard your story and generations are passing it on, I  would like us to meet up with again, look back and cry tears of joy knowing that one day it was just a dream but look at us now.

Will you meet me?
I promise i won't cry in public.

Sending love and light,

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  1. So inspired by you, Sitawa. Thank you for all you do to support girls and women around the world. Love, ONE Girls and Women